It has been nearly two months of silence. Nearly two months of avoidance. And while this was interrupted by two, incredibly brief instances, they were not engagements of conversation, so those do not count towards this. Truth be told, the absence is somewhat saddening, but it is nothing new in my life. Rather, it is the frequency in which I see things, or hear things, that remind me of the visions of you and everything you are; that have drawn me to this.
The image of you has yet to be erased from my mind. It is forboding, and eerily cast in ashen gray. Memories are now played in fragile black and white, while the effigy of a smile once warming, now sends sharp daggers into my mind. Singing, I hear singing. Woeful stanzas, and siren sung chords. Songs once meaningless now bring back a wave of emotions forever ingrained within the melodies and upbeats. Never will the words of Jordan Dreyer; far beyond the reaches of modern thinkers, nor the soft-spoken speech of Alex Gaskarth; which invades deep within the abysmal mirth and grunges up the darkened clay of a moment past, will they ever be devoid again. They will always contain within them, the times of a life that seems so long ago, when days had color and weekends held a faint meaning. Where the temptations of a blade, or the release of a bullet fell silent amid the laughter and the joyful tears from a poke or tickle.
Whatchu gonna do?
Today, I washed my sheets for the fifteenth time since March, and still imprinted forever on the pillowcase is the proof that you were once the most important aspect of my life. Small markings of mascara. So incogitably minuscule that one may happen past them. Yet the charcoal lines have within them, more antiquity than the blank pages of a notebook can fill. It is scantly that a day may trudge past, where I do not find myself wondering where it is in this life, that the times have taken you. Sometimes when the toxins have penetrated deep into my consciousness, I become bold enough to wonder if you are happy. To wonder if my absence is even registered, or if the new addition in your life keeps you, irrevocably, assiduous in your life. I have no place to question the morality behind your decision, nor the quantifiable reasons for such a terribly cold shutdown. I do not blame you for your actions, and in all honesty, the blame falls on me like a crushing weight of a thousand worlds.
I find your lack of faith, disturbing.